Leaving Home

Dear Mau the Mewmews,

Since I took so long to start writing to you, there is so much that I need to catch you up on. So I’ll start our story from after we said goodbye and see you later.

At 3am on September 28th, we said our final goodbyes. I cried for so long after you were put down. Your daddy (my boyfriend) stayed strong for me, but I saw him shed some tears too. You have left a giant Mau-sized hole in our hearts that can never be filled with anything other than our love for you.

The week after you passed, we were staying with your grandma and grandpa while continuing to pack up the apartment. I cried on and off the whole week. EVERY small thing reminded me of you. I felt so much pain and anger over the smallest things.

Sometimes I would think things like “Why did you get sick? Why not Carmen or Lilly? You were my ESA and I needed you more than them.” Of course, I’d immediately feel bad because I love your sisters Carmen and Lilly. I didn’t want anything bad happening to them. I’d be angry at them for living and even angrier at myself for even having those thoughts.

Sometimes I would think “Why didn’t your brothers Waldo or Charlie die, or one of your sisters Sugar or Marie? I was always the good parent for you guys. Why am I being punished? Why didn’t your dad (my ex-husband) get punished? Why did the pets he kept get to live while you had to die? After having them for a week, he was already talking about rehoming Waldo and Charlie, the two pets that he chose while we were together. The ones that he supposedly had instant connections with. He wanted to get rid of them because he didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of them and blamed me for us having so many pets even though he said he was fine with them every time. Why did you die when I loved you and would have done anything and everything for you?” Of course, those thoughts were wrong to have as well. None of my babies should die, especially at a young age. None of them should have died in your place because they were great pets too. You dying was not a punishment on me for anything I did; it just happened. More than that, my ex-husband may not have done right by me, but that doesn’t mean that he should be the one who has to deal with the loss of one of you kids.

I keep hearing that everything happens for a reason. Things happen at a certain time for certain reasons. Your daddy pointed out that you were around long enough to help me recover my mental health. Before you passed, I was able to get off of mental health medications that I had been on for 10 years. I was able to learn some cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) methods to help me handle my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. I was able to learn how to handle life and you didn’t leave until I could manage without you…

Soon after you passed, your grandma and I drove cross country with your sisters Carmen and Lilly. I had a couple break downs on our road trip. For instance, Carmen and Lilly wouldn’t eat dry food in the car so I stopped by PetSmart to buy them some wet food. It was set up differently than the PetSmart we used to go to. I went down the first aisle, which was a food aisle in our PetSmart, and I found out quickly that it wasn’t the food aisle at that location. Instead, the first thing I saw was a black and blue checkered harness/leash set. The exact same one that I had bought you for when you would drive cross country with us. I also broke down when your grandma stopped and bought lottery tickets. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but she put the tickets in the sun visor. In doing so, she covered the picture of you that I had put up there. I wanted to be angry because having your picture in view was keeping me going and made me feel like you were watching over us. I couldn’t rationally be angry at your grandma though because I had never told her this and I didn’t ask her to move the lottery tickets.

I just felt like I was losing myself and losing control of my emotions. I was depressed and crying all the time. I was angry and jealous and envious. I felt like I was slipping because you weren’t there, but that wasn’t the case. I was feeling normal emotions and having a normal reaction to losing you. It was part of the grieving process.

When I arrived at our new home, I felt really excited. The change of scenery is just overwhelming. I’m sure you remember what it was like in the city. Buildings everywhere and a whole lot of noise. But this new place? It’s more country life than city life. You would’ve loved it here. Nice big back yard, quiet, and lots of other houses in view. I know how much you loved people watching. Even better? The mailbox isn’t next to the window anymore so you wouldn’t have to worry about the mailman (or mailwoman). Granted, that part would’ve sucked if you were still alive. I always enjoyed watching you growl at the mailman because really, what cat does that?! LOL!

I wasn’t here long though before I had to fly back across the country to meet up with your daddy. We got to drive cross country together too, just like how we originally wanted. I’ll tell you more about that later. For now, just know that I love and miss you Mau.

Love Always,

Momma