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Good morning Mau the Mewmews,

Sorry it’s been a while since I wrote to you; I know that I was in the middle of catching you up on everything. However, I got caught up in taking care of the kids during Winter Break, having to prepare for Christmas and New Year. What kids? I’ll get to that later. I’ve been low on energy and super tired, but Winter Break and the holidays are now over so I’ve been getting back into good routines. Even if I haven’t written to you, I hope you’ve heard me when I’ve talked to you at night.

If I’m being completely honest with you though, I was and still am struggling with my mental health. It was the first holiday season without you. I cried numerous times thinking about you. I miss you so much and I still feel so much guilt over your death. Logically, I know that I did everything I could to save you, but the intrusive thoughts still tell me that I didn’t do enough and that I should’ve somehow known. Your daddy has been supporting me the best he can, but we all know that ultimately, it’s not his responsibility to get rid of or fight my intrusive thoughts. That’s a task that only I can complete.

I started using a phone app called 6000 Thoughts which has been kind of nice so far. I’ve been using it for less than a week, but it’s similar to journaling out my feelings. The main difference is that instead of trying to write or type them out, I can use the phone’s microphone to just say them out loud as my words come out naturally. After I finish speaking my thoughts, the app converts my words into text that I can look back on later. I will admit that their speech to text isn’t the greatest and I often have to edit the words to be spelled correctly or to change them into the correct word. Granted, it might not be an issue with the app and might just be due to me speaking quietly so I can have my privacy when talking.

What I really like about this app is that after it converts your words to text, and you edit it to be more accurate, it gives you the option to use AI to help you determine what emotions you are feelings, what may be triggering those emotions, what kind of thought distortions you may be experiencing, and how you can combat the thought distortions. I’ve found this very helpful since, as you know I have Bipolar Disorder, and I feel emotions very intensely. However, even if I can feel intense emotions, I’m not always good at identifying what emotions I am feeling.

I’ve also started using another app called How We Feel so I can try to track my emotions throughout the day so I can work on better identifying how I feel in the moment. I currently have it set up to send me a push notification 4 times a day to help me track it.

Lastly, I’ve finally started using my Samsung Health app to track my health goals, including eating more calories and drinking more water. I always thought about using it but only decided to start actually using it after feeling depressed this holiday season. I stopped eating again and my weight dropped below 90 again. I know what you’re thinking, I need to stop letting my emotions control my eating habits so ensure I eat every day. That’s exactly why I’m using the app though. It helps me stay more aware of when I am skipping meals or only eating small snacks throughout the day.

OH!! A side note that I forgot to mention. I really wish you were here with me. I had my first real thunderstorm and my first snowfall this year and I bet you would’ve loved them both! The thunder lit up the dark night sky and the snow was just barely dusted on things. However, we’re expecting at least 3 inches tonight so maybe I can make my first snowball in the morning.

I love you so very much Mau. I hope you had a Merry Heavenly Christmas with Mama and Lolo. I hope they gave you much love, food, and maybe some catnip too. Have a wonderful New Year in Heaven. I’ll be doing my best to live my best life on Earth this year even with you gone. If you can’t be here with me, then I’ll just have to have enough fun for the both of us. I know you don’t want me to be sad or have any regrets. So I’ll live for us both.

Talk soon and I’ll continue catching you up next time.

Love,

Momma

Dear Mau the Mewmews,

Since I took so long to start writing to you, there is so much that I need to catch you up on. So I’ll start our story from after we said goodbye and see you later.

At 3am on September 28th, we said our final goodbyes. I cried for so long after you were put down. Your daddy (my boyfriend) stayed strong for me, but I saw him shed some tears too. You have left a giant Mau-sized hole in our hearts that can never be filled with anything other than our love for you.

The week after you passed, we were staying with your grandma and grandpa while continuing to pack up the apartment. I cried on and off the whole week. EVERY small thing reminded me of you. I felt so much pain and anger over the smallest things.

Sometimes I would think things like “Why did you get sick? Why not Carmen or Lilly? You were my ESA and I needed you more than them.” Of course, I’d immediately feel bad because I love your sisters Carmen and Lilly. I didn’t want anything bad happening to them. I’d be angry at them for living and even angrier at myself for even having those thoughts.

Sometimes I would think “Why didn’t your brothers Waldo or Charlie die, or one of your sisters Sugar or Marie? I was always the good parent for you guys. Why am I being punished? Why didn’t your dad (my ex-husband) get punished? Why did the pets he kept get to live while you had to die? After having them for a week, he was already talking about rehoming Waldo and Charlie, the two pets that he chose while we were together. The ones that he supposedly had instant connections with. He wanted to get rid of them because he didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of them and blamed me for us having so many pets even though he said he was fine with them every time. Why did you die when I loved you and would have done anything and everything for you?” Of course, those thoughts were wrong to have as well. None of my babies should die, especially at a young age. None of them should have died in your place because they were great pets too. You dying was not a punishment on me for anything I did; it just happened. More than that, my ex-husband may not have done right by me, but that doesn’t mean that he should be the one who has to deal with the loss of one of you kids.

I keep hearing that everything happens for a reason. Things happen at a certain time for certain reasons. Your daddy pointed out that you were around long enough to help me recover my mental health. Before you passed, I was able to get off of mental health medications that I had been on for 10 years. I was able to learn some cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) methods to help me handle my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. I was able to learn how to handle life and you didn’t leave until I could manage without you…

Soon after you passed, your grandma and I drove cross country with your sisters Carmen and Lilly. I had a couple break downs on our road trip. For instance, Carmen and Lilly wouldn’t eat dry food in the car so I stopped by PetSmart to buy them some wet food. It was set up differently than the PetSmart we used to go to. I went down the first aisle, which was a food aisle in our PetSmart, and I found out quickly that it wasn’t the food aisle at that location. Instead, the first thing I saw was a black and blue checkered harness/leash set. The exact same one that I had bought you for when you would drive cross country with us. I also broke down when your grandma stopped and bought lottery tickets. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but she put the tickets in the sun visor. In doing so, she covered the picture of you that I had put up there. I wanted to be angry because having your picture in view was keeping me going and made me feel like you were watching over us. I couldn’t rationally be angry at your grandma though because I had never told her this and I didn’t ask her to move the lottery tickets.

I just felt like I was losing myself and losing control of my emotions. I was depressed and crying all the time. I was angry and jealous and envious. I felt like I was slipping because you weren’t there, but that wasn’t the case. I was feeling normal emotions and having a normal reaction to losing you. It was part of the grieving process.

When I arrived at our new home, I felt really excited. The change of scenery is just overwhelming. I’m sure you remember what it was like in the city. Buildings everywhere and a whole lot of noise. But this new place? It’s more country life than city life. You would’ve loved it here. Nice big back yard, quiet, and lots of other houses in view. I know how much you loved people watching. Even better? The mailbox isn’t next to the window anymore so you wouldn’t have to worry about the mailman (or mailwoman). Granted, that part would’ve sucked if you were still alive. I always enjoyed watching you growl at the mailman because really, what cat does that?! LOL!

I wasn’t here long though before I had to fly back across the country to meet up with your daddy. We got to drive cross country together too, just like how we originally wanted. I’ll tell you more about that later. For now, just know that I love and miss you Mau.

Love Always,

Momma

Dear Mau the Mewmews,

It’s officially been 2 months since you died and about a month since I decided that I wanted to create this website. I thought this might be the best way to keep you close to my heart.

For any readers out there who may be wondering, Mau the Mewmews was a grey tabby cat and my emotional support animal (ESA) that I adopted back in 2020 during COVID. My ex-father-in-law found Mau, her 3 siblings, and their mom at a shipyard warehouse. He had been feeding them to gain their trust so he could bring them into the Humane Society to get them spayed/neutered. When he went out to feed them one day, he noticed all four kittens were around their mom who had died from unknown causes. He immediately brought them home to take them to the Humane Society since they were 7-8 weeks old and were likely still being fed milk from their mom.

Unfortunately (and fortunately), the Humane Society was closed that weekend because it was a holiday weekend. As a result, we were able to adopt Mau the Mewmews. Additionally, we found good homes for her 3 siblings as well. Mau’s sister, now named Emma Belle, found a loving home with my ex-husband’s sister. One of Mau’s brothers, now named Leroy Jenkins, is being well taken care of my good friend Brittney. Mau’s other brother, now named Lucas, was taken in by my ex-father-in-law’s coworker. Last I heard about Lucas, he was taking care of his family as much as they were taking care of him. One day, Lucas decided that he was going to help wake the kids up for school and he has made it his job to do it every day since then. His parents are happy with the help.

So now that you know who Mau the Mewmews is, you may be wondering how she died since she was only 4 years old. Unfortunately, Mau got sick and it wasn’t apparent until it was too late. Mau had maybe lost a pound, but I wasn’t too concerned because she was a little overweight (~14 pounds) to begin with. I went out of town for a week and left a trusted family member to look after her and my other two cats, Lilith the Leviathan and Carmen the Cleaner. When I got back in town, I noticed she had lost a significant amount of more weight. I took her to the vet immediately.

The vet diagnosed her with Fatty Liver Disease. They said it was common in overweight cats who had lost a lot of weight fast but reassured me that she would be fine. At that time, she was down to 10 pounds. We were given medication and high calorie foods to feed her. They did an ultrasound of her stomach, but said that they only noticed a fatty liver. The following week, she had a follow up appointment at the vet. I expressed my concerns but they reassured me again that she was getting better and did some additional tests. 2 days later, I tried to bring her back as an emergency walk-in due to her collapsing on the floor/unable to stand, not eating, and not drinking. The vet turned us away. They stated her normal doctor was out and the backup doctor didn’t want to look at her. They wanted us to wait until the following day when her normal doctor would be in.

I didn’t listen. I called up the local pet urgent care to see if they would see her and I was told to immediately bring her to the emergency room. They were furious that the vet turned us away, as was the emergency room staff when telling them what brought us in. Mau was immediately hospitalized. Less than 48 hours later, I was told to come in and say my goodbyes because they didn’t think she’d make it through the night. With the tests and ultrasound that the emergency room did, we found out that Mau’s stomach and liver lining were super thick, and that her liver was failing. She had already stopped breathing once in the night and you could tell that she was in pain. I made the tough decision to put her down.

Mau was always like a daughter to me. I would have paid anything to keep her alive and the vet bills can verify that. I would have given up my own life to save hers if I could have. However, the vet would have needed additional tests to figure out what exactly was wrong. They were sure giving her anesthesia would have killed her and you could tell she was already in a ton of pain. The vet also couldn’t guarantee that what she had was curable. They were confident that she had cancer, but couldn’t run the tests to find out. Additionally, I couldn’t afford the autopsy after death. I did what I could to save her, and when I couldn’t, I did what I could to ensure she didn’t suffer.

I said my goodbyes to Mau. I told her that I loved her and that I would be okay without her. She always took care of me so well and it was my turn to put her first. She grabbed me with one arm and pulled on me. I got close to her and she headbutt my forehead like she had done plenty of times before to show her love. She looked at me with giant eyes and let out a long meow. It wasn’t a cry of pain like the rest of her meows had been while there. Luckily, I do speak cat so I know she said “I love you, momma. I’ll be okay and I know you will be too. Thank you for giving me a good life.”

I cried hard. I am so very happy you are no longer in pain, but…I miss you so much Mau. Even two months later, I still cry and grieve over you. Even writing this, and thinking of our last moments together, I still cry. I know that I will be okay, but there is a giant, fat cat-sized hole in my heart.

My plan is to use this blog to keep you up-to-date with everything that’s been happening with life. This way, you can know that I am okay even after you are gone.

I’ll talk to you again soon with more update.

Love,

Momma